What if the Seven Dwarfs Were Women?

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I recently saw a license plate that said this:

H8PERKY

I have to agree. Perky can be very annoying. Unless you’re talking about breasts, and then perky is perfect.

Have you watched ABC’s “Once Upon a Time”? Among other things that are great about it, including it’s many subtle nods to the great show “Lost,” is how the the storybook characters are portrayed as ordinary people. The seven dwarfs aren’t actually dwarfs on the show but just men who are kind of short. The casting on the show is spot-on, including Ginnifer Goodwin as Snow White and Lana Parrilla as the Evil Queen.

So THEN I started thinking – what if the seven dwarfs were women? What would their names be? Because when you think about the names of the seven dwarfs, they’re all pretty male-centric – well, kind of. Anyway, I began imagining what I would call the dwarfs if they were women with the same personalities as the male versions, and here’s what I came up with. I know, you may think I have way too much time on my hands…

HAPPY would be called PERKY. A man who’s overly happy always sets off alarms with me – that backslapping, glad-handing guy who never has a bad word about anything. I like a little cynicism in my men. The perkiest character in recent film history has to be Reese Witherspoon’s Elle Woods in “Legally Blonde.”

Perky!

DOPEY would be called DITZY. Though you could also go with dingy, clueless, or any number of not-quite-getting-it names. Rumor has it the character played by Anna Faris in this clip from “Lost in Translation” was based on the real-life Cameron Diaz, who is the queen of ditzy roles.

BASHFUL would be called MOUSEY. These people can be found hiding in the corner, not sure if they’re game to engage in life. Remember how in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” Nia Vardolos’ Tula transformed herself from mousey to lovely? She became confident and stepped out into the world, leaving behind her mousey self.

Nia Vardalos in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” before she meets hunka-hunka Jon Corbett

SNEEZY would be called CRAMPY. I don’t really need to explain this, do I?

DOC would be called MOM. Both for literal and literary reasons, this works. In the story of Snow White, Doc is the dwarf who watches over and cares for his six comrades and later Snow White. In real life, moms are, more often than not, the primary caregivers in most families.

photo courtesy thedynamicturnaround.com

GRUMPY would be called BITCHY. There is no character in literature or film that personified bitchy as well as the iconic Scarlett O’Hara from “Gone With the Wind,” so brilliantly portrayed by Vivien Leigh.

SLEEPY would be called WEARY. Though we all may be tired, not all of us can sleep very well – so weary seems a better word. Also, when my kids were small, this was how I often felt at the end of the day…weary to the bones. I don’t know that men can really be described as weary – exhausted, worn out, yes, but not weary.

So there you are, my brilliant musings for today. Do you have any other suggestions for names? How about if the dwarfs were Jewish? Or British? What a party game this could be.