“To be a stay-at-home mom is a privilege, and most of the housewives I have ever met — none of whom do anything around the house — live in New York City and Los Angeles, far from Peoria.”
- Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of 1% Wives Are Helping Kill Feminism and Make the War on Women Possible in The Atlantic magazine, June 15, 2012.
This line – one of many that I found offensive in this article – is beyond insulting. According to Ms. Wurtzel, all of us who choose to be stay-at-home moms, whether members of the 1% or not – are betraying the cause of feminism.
Why? Because, my friends, we do not earn any money. By giving up the ability to contribute financially to our families in order to stay at home and raise our children, we forfeit any claim to feminist beliefs, behavior, or identification.
Particular animosity is leveled at the wives who are fortunate enough to be able to live at the 1% level – how dare they get a massage or their nails done! By doing so, they have invited the war on women to not only continue but thrive, fueled by their utter lack of concern that everything they do depends on their husband’s income.
Yes, it’s the rich ladies of our country who are the real cause of the lack of equality in pay for men and women. If only they’d stop exercising and shopping and get a job, everything would be ok, according to this article.
“If you can’t pay your own rent, you are not an adult.” That’s what Ms. Wurtzel said. And if you’re anything like me, whether you worked while you raised your children or stayed home, you are insulted by comments like these (and there are many in the article). Ms. Wurtzel equates the decision by a family to have one wage earner (male) to the acceptance that the woman will give up all of her power and be “bossed around” by the monster that she is married to who has all of the money. Because according to Ms. Wurtzel, being a stay-at-home mom comes down to this:
“Yes, of course, it’s something — actually, it’s something almost every woman at some time does, some brilliantly and some brutishly and most in the boring middle of making okay meals and decent kid conversation. But let’s face it: It is not a selective position. A job that anyone can have is not a job, it’s a part of life, no matter how important people insist it is (all the insisting is itself overcompensation).”
Hmmm. So let’s extrapolate out a bit and assume (a big assumption) that “anyone” can get a job working the counter at a local fast food restaurant. Does that mean that isn’t a job? Do those wages not count because “anyone” could get that job? How about a janitor, or an orderly at a hospital? Or what about a housekeeper? Do their wages count for nothing too?
Ms. Wurtzel has taken the tenet of feminism and reduced it to one thing and one thing only – an income. According to Wikipedia, the definition of feminism includes this most salient point: A feminist is “an advocate or supporter of the rights and equality of women.” Rights and equality extend far beyond money.
There is nothing more soul-sucking than women who bash other women, especially with comments such as this:
“Let’s please be serious grown-ups: real feminists don’t depend on men. Real feminists earn a living, have money and means of their own.”
No. Real feminists support each other’s decisions to choose the life that they want, including the choice to be a stay-at-home mom, as blogger MJ at 154hiddencourt.com writes about so eloquently, without attacking them for living a life that is different from what they have chosen for themselves. I respect Ms. Wurtzel’s choice to live as a single, childless woman, even as I am infuriated by her article which takes issue with all stay-at-home moms. I am happy with my choices in life, and I am happy, thanks to the feminist movement, that others are able to choose how to spend the precious time of their lives.
And I bet Elizabeth Wurtzel hasn’t spent much time in Peoria.
photos courtesy Creative Commons
Yikes!
Won’t be adding her book to my summer reading list!
That is a funny card, what would Ms Wurtzel say?
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I wasn’t aware of this article by Wurtzel – why is that?? I usually know about these things.
But glad you brought it to our attention. I have mixed feelings on the topic (who doesn’t?) but you do an eloquent job presenting a plausible alternative viewpoint.
I guess it would make sense for me to read her article now! Off I go…
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Here is a link to some info on Elizabeth Wurtzel. An interesting woman, to say the least.
Thanks for that link. She IS interesting, and I do remember the book “Prozac Nation” but never read it. Finally read THIS essay, though – I think “Grown and Flown” further down the page summarized it well with a nod to different stages of life. I worked both full-time and part-time while our kids were growing up; last four years I’ve been home due to a corporate downsizing. Though I’ve been “freelancing” from home, some days I DO feel like the woman in the middle – “most in the boring middle of making okay meals and decent kid conversation” – and I’m not sure what to make of that. I’m 52, my kids are 19 and 17, have I reached the pinnacle? Yuck, not very exciting! (But this is why I like reading your blog…you seem to make sense of this life stage.)
Interestingly, many of the men I worked with probably wished they could stay home! I’m not making the grand point I’d hoped…I think I need to let her essay sink in a bit more.
Pam Houghton recently posted..Good thing I’m not dead
One objection I have is the notion that women are just one role. Many, many women I know, myself included, worked part-time, full time and at home as well as periods as a stay-at-home mom. At different stages of our family’s lives and our careers different solutions work. Putting women into to distinct buckets is too simplistic, life is far more dynamic than that.
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When I first read her article I was reminded of a quote from Madeleine Albright: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Madeline Albright nearly always gets it right, doesn’t she?
I hope you submitted this one to Blogher. They’d snap it up I would think…yes, I’m one of those stay at home moms but rarely ever get a manicure. I give myself about two hours a day for myself, and the rest is caring for household details, family responsibilities. I do find that children of two parents who are working are far less disciplined and frankly, lack basic values as to how to be respectful. I think because their parents are not home enough to practice these values. I would say most moms work because they have to; I don’t know what percent are really putting their careers first, not in this economy, with the actual middle class dwindling.
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Thank you for your comment, Sandra. I did submit to blogher, but they recently had a post about this, so I don’t think it will be syndicated. I agree that most women work because they have to.
I enjoy your blog….you remind me of me! I’d love to win the cards, but I’ll let you choose.
So sad that Ms Wurtzl doesn’t have a clue about selfless love and real women, whether they work or stay at home! I am proud to be a stay at home woman that also takes care of my 2 year old grandson, by choice, so that he can have every advantage of one on one attention. He already has an expansive vocabulary and can count to 20. I plan on helping with my grandniece when the time comes. Loving my life!!
yeah… not adding that book to my reading list! She sounds like she resents stay at home moms!
I’ve worked and now stay at home with the kids. It was a decision my husband and I made together. Taking care of the kids, the household and all of the other million things that have to be done, allow him to work without having the distractions of worrying about the household. My being at home makes his career possible. End of story. Raising well adjusted, intelligent children is by far the most important job in the world. Oh, my blood is boiling I need to stop it here!
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That is seriously the cutest apron!
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In Wurtzel’s defense (and hang tight – I’m NOT absolving her), she is, in fact, going after the ding-a-lings we see on Real Housewives – who do nothing around the house and let someone else raise their kids. And you can definitely say those ridiculous shows, not to mention the millions of folks watching them, are contributing to the war on women.
That being said, Wurtzel’s mistakes only start with her condescending tone and lumping all women who stay at home with their kids into the same category. She’s also forgetting about a growing group of stay-at-home dads – so her argument that men are not taking on the demanding task of child-rearing is blown right there. Yes, all women should have the ability to put a roof over theirs and their kids’ heads – after all, things happen and kids need to understand the reality of work – but that doesn’t mean women are not actively contributing when they chose to work raising the kids, instead.
Finally, Wurtzel is making the assumption that staying home equals accepting subjugation – and believe me, there was a lot of that going around back in the ’70s when the feminist movement hit its stride. The problem women faced at that time was that they didn’t have any other options besides strictly defined gender roles, including child-rearing. So, for many women, choosing to stay home was choosing to support a male-dominant society.
Wurtzel is right, women still don’t earn as much as men and we do face significant discrimination in the workplace and elsewhere. But the problem is not that we sometimes chose to stay home with our kids. It’s that we do not place a high enough value on the domestic arts and sciences. By placing a strictly economic value on those skills, Wurtzel is effectively contributing to the war on women in the worst possible way – she is defining our value in strictly “male” terms.
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I agree she missed the stay-at-home dad population and it was a big omission, in my opinion. You are spot on when you say she is valuing women in strictly “male” terms, and I can’t help believing, though I hate to even bring this up, that the fact that she doesn’t have children clouds her view of women even more dramatically.
The fact that she is valuing women in ‘male’ terms is so important. Someone once wrote that ‘women do indeed need to make it to the White House(as president) but as women, not as men in drag”….that patriarchal society is the root of a lot of our problems..I agree, she just seems to be feeding that.
Yeah, she’s off my reading list too!
People need to just live and let live. It’s nobody’s business what a woman chooses to do, work or stay home. Plus, until you’ve walked in someone’s shoes, how can you judge them.
I received my beautiful coasters today. Thanks!
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com
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I’m so glad you like them! Enjoy – and thanks for commenting!
I posted about them for Wordless Wednesday.
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I wish other people would stop trying to tell me who and what I am supposed to be.
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Wow! I’m glad I don’t know that woman… she sounds like the complete opposite of the type of women I surround myself with. We would definitely butt heads. The giveaway looks great…. hope I win!
Yeah….I can’t read this either…I am an RN with a Master’s degree and chose to stay home to be with my children….
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Oh my goodness! What a warped view on feminism. Wonder what Ms Wurtzel will have to say about the average woman in urban India who does go to work but then is expected to come home and do all the housework and take care of the kids!!
I love this post, and I totally agree that it is soul-sucking when women bash other women, because for the most part, we are all just trying to do our best no matter what our position. I consider myself a stay at home Mama and a feminist, and I don’t think those things at all cancel one another out.
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Thanks for letting me link to your blog, MJ. I thought you expressed the feelings and experiences of being a young mom perfectly.
Ms. Wurtzel’s judgement of other women’s decisions is the real anti-feminist problem. I notice that Ms. Wurzl is single and does not have any children. Considering her status, I doubt she can have a real understanding of women who choose to stay home with their children.